Hello Everyone
The honesty on this page is incredible…it is almost as if i am writing some of the post’s myself…I don’t have the words yet, or the bravery, that all of you have so far displayed…hopefully soon..I want to get better
Hey B, I forgot to answer your question about how long my periods of “being free” were. Well, the longest one actually lasted for a few years and I really thought that I was in the free and clear. Although food never strayed far from my thoughts, I had the willpower to stay in control. I’m not sure what it was that made me “fall off the wagon”, I think that I got too comfortable with the food and started to think that I could eat like everyone else and then I put on weight. This stressed me out and things started to spiral downhill again. I’ve come to the realization that I need to treat this like a life long disease and that I can never feel confident that I will ever view food the same as someone who has never experienced problems with it. I have to consciously think out every step I take when it comes to eating and I have to stay away from the trigger foods because I can never just have a little to satisfy the craving!! I want the whole thing. And even if I just buy a small quantity so I can’t eat more, all think about is how I will buy more next time because the craving never seems to get fullfilled!!
Yes, I agree that writing things down is a good way to vent our feelings, it seems to make more sense in my head. I write it out and then go back and re-read it and I can almost read between the lines and understand how I am truely feeling a little bit better. To coment on medications, I believe that for me they have not been successfull. That’s not to say this is for everyone. As I have said before, I am not afraid to talk about my problems to other people, (Yes, my family is also a different story), but I find talking to my friends and doctors has become easier and I have been quite open with them about the anti-depressant I was taking. It’s intersting how you find out how many other people take them as well for all kinds of problems, and how they have helped them. I didn’t like the side effects of the one I was taking (Citalipram). I have already messed up my digestive system and this one made it worse, plus it really effected the intimacy I felt for my husband, gave me headaches and made me tired. I have to take meds already every day, I take Carbamazepine as an anti-seizure med., after I took myself off the anti-depressant, my doctor felt he had to give me something, I like my doctor but I don’t like that always want to give out meds. He doubled my anti-seizure meds claiming they also act as a mood stabalizer. Well, I’ve given it a try and all I feel is more tired then ever, I have not energy and my brain seems foggy all the time. I hate this, this almost makes things worse because on my days off, I end up not wanting to do a lot, and I also find that my home can be a very dangerous place, it seems to almost trigger my ED, and when I don’t feel like doing anything, where do I end up? In the kitchen looking for something to eat!! And we know what generally happens next. I do believe that exercise is a natural medicine for ED’s, it has been one of my best coping skills yet, and it seems to give me a little bit of that willpower back when I have gone out for that workout, but this medication has taken some of that will to excercise away, so again, I feel that the meds are working against me.
Yeah Frankie I guess I kinda am. I agree that uni seems to be strongly linked with the onset of symptoms. Particularly when you look at the onset age. I have noticed that thigs become more out of control during the semester, when the stress is on. However, know that the habit is ’solidified’ the holiday periods can actually be worse. A lot of time spent at home alone is not a good thing. I find it kind of a cyclic process the more the ED takes hold the more you tend to lock yourself away from the world, the more time you have for your ED.
I can totally relate to what your saying Adelheid, when I was suffering with the anorexia side of things, I found it really hard to explain to people, who just could not seem to understand at all. Particularly my family. They still talk about the time I had my ED, as the burden it placed on the family. If I had of been sick in hospital with cancer, Im sure they wouldn’t talk about it that way. I feel guilty for what I put my family through, and thats why I could never ever tell them that I am not better, that I never got better. Anyways when I too felt like there was two conflicting minds in my head, one good one evil, like everyday was a fight against myself, a battle that cant be won! After a while I couldn’t tell which was good and which one was bad. I created a fictional world in my head, and I believed it was true. Everyone was trying to hurt me and make me fat, I use to tell myself to be strong and block them out, block everything out.
No one could understand that what they called recovery was my failure, lossing everything that I worked so hard to achieve, everything that at that point I could see worthy in my life. This drive was so strong, I felt more in control than ever, and powerful. Now it scares me to look back and realise how out of control I was. The strange thing is that I was completely aware that I looked absolutely disgusting, and that I was killing myself, at at one point I had decided that if thats what it was going to take than that would be a reasonable sacrifice. I was willing to die for what was more important to me.
What Im kind of missing is the point where this all turned around, and this kills me because that is what can help other people going through it. And at what point the bulimia began. Iremember in the beginning, how hard it was, I couldn’t even really do it…now it feels natural, sometimes I don’t even have to try at all. But I remember for a while every time I did it, that was the absolute last time that I would do it, I would promise myself. Everytime I failed, I was a failure, I lothed myself, said horrible things to myself. I tried everything to make me stop. Most extreme would be self harming. I thought that if I could punish myself for what I’d done I would soon learn to stop. Over these few years it got more frequent and my will to fight the ED became weaker, to the point where I know its going to happen again and again and again. Sometimes I find the fight to stop again, but it doesn’t last long. I think that it has become easier to accept this than continue to feel like a failure, its easier not to try than to fail. And somehow this way it makes it easier to live with myself day to day. A dangerous way to think that leads to a permenancy, that ironically I dont want.
Adelheid when you said that there have been periods where you have stopped and felt like you wer permenantly better, how long did they last. I always thought that if the habit can be broken for long enough that it becomes easier and easier to leave it in the past. But I guess that group B part is always going to be ther, and we need to learn to control this and satisfy it in different ways.
My question to you all is if your family already know, or if you can tell them, and ask them to help with the physical symtoms then why not do it? Whats stopping you from sabotagging yourself. I imagine that this disorder has become a part of your life, its a part of who you are and you often define yourself by it. And in a way its hard to seperate yourself from it making it harder to let go.
The problem with ED’s is that food is both our friend and our worst enemy. We need food to survive and make us better, but food is also the thing that fuels our disease.
I believe that in order to gain back control, you need to be willing to give up some of the control. We can admit that we are completely out of control. Therefore we need help from external sources. For me its my home that incases my disorder. The only time it leaves the home is when its late at night and I run down the street where I can be sure that no one will hear me.
For people who can relate to this: what about altering your home environment, particularly food! I have some more drastic ideas like putting locks on the cupboard and fridges and putting a family member in charge of them. Avoid stocking certain foods in the house at all! I know in my family I’ve learnt to master the routine! I always know where everyone is at what time, I dont even think they know that they have a routine. This is why I think that time allows the consolidation of our behaviours (habits), that make it harder to break.
I remember a time when I was honest and had nothing in the world to hide, I never lied. Now I feel like a ‘criminal’ sneaking around and hiding my crimes. Always always fearing that someone might uncover my secret that my perfected strategies would come undone, that I would slip up and leave evidence. Im so so careful about this, because to me, my family finding out, is the worst possible thing in the world. I dont think I could handle them looking at me like that all over again, the period through which they uncovered my bulimia was one of the worst. Now at least they still look at me as their daughter.
Hypocritical isn’t it, that one paragraph I suggest that everyone reach out and get help and the next paragraph I say that that would be the worst thing in the world for me.
If you live out of home, and your close to your roommate, and feel that you could trust them then that could be quiet different. My best friend, who also sufferers with the ED is the only person who knows that Im not ‘better’, having her ther and the level of understanding she provides and vice versa has been a god send. We’ve only known each other a year, and it feels like a life time. If I was in a position to move in with her I would in an instant, because I think that we could really help each other, but atm we cant control what the other does at home.
An idea that can be effective: even though we generally see each other everyday, we started writting an email each night to each other over facebook, which was to detail our food intake and bad moments everyday, this was done just before bed. It was no benefit to either of us if we were not completely honest, and if you are honest, it can be really eye opening to actually write it done. because its like admitting what you have done today, otherwise you can ignore it. Writting everything down can be very positive, and did help me, but like most things do, I find that they always stop when things go too out of control, I cant write it down. Everytime I went (was taken) to see a new psychologist, I always bailed right when it got to the heart of the issue. I was fine with all the initial crap about my past and my family, and Im really good at talking about other peoples problems but when it comes to my own, I hit a brick wall and run.
Im going to make an apology now for how much I write, its a problem in itself lol. This msg has nothing to do with drugs, but I think the concensus stands that drugs have not been all that effective, I think the problem lies deeper into our minds than what a drug can reach.
When it comes to medications, I resist this one. Over the years of my struggle, I have actually had times when I felt like I was out of the woods and I had things under control permenantly. I did not take meds during these times. I did the med thing when I was young and found they did not help, and now, in the past few years, I have tried them again and feel that they have not helped me. I too used to be very afraid to speek about my problems, I felt embarrased and ashamed, especially to my husband. In the last few years I have reached my peek. I don’t want to have this damn disease anymore!!, I feel more free to talk about my problems now, I don’t know if it’s becaue I am older, or if it’s because I am so sick of keeping it inside. I feel like as time goes by, my confidence is growing weeker, my willpower is deminishing. This scares me. It’s very frusterating, I think back to the times that I felt better, and the eating disorder was under control, but food still had a hold on me, I just had enough willpower to keep th E.D. from destroying me. The last few years have been bad again, and I feel like such a failure. I have been open to the doctors about things, but no one has really had any answers for me. The diagnosis of epilepsy seems to have made things worse for me. You’d think that being diagnosed with this would have been an eye opener for me, but I find that it is just a bad reminder of what I have done to myself. Whether you have struggled for 5 years or 25 years, the struggle is just as hard. I remember in the first few years, my life was hell, now I just cope, and hide it really well. I feel like I have hardened, and I don’t like it. When I went to see that criminal phycologist, I explained to him how my brain worked when I was having a bad day. I told him that I could be doing really well untill I ate food, then it was like a switch went off in my head, as soon as that food hit my mouth, my willpower would give in, I can try to fight it, but it is like that littl devil sitting on my soulder telling me to “do it”, the angel on my other shoulder would try hard to convince me to stop but the devil always seems to take the control. The answer I go from him socked me out of my socks!!. He compared me to a mass murderer!! Since he is a criminal phycologist, he has delt with these kind of people, and he said that he has heard similar things. He said that to a murderer, if they kill one person or they kill 5 people, it’s no different, a switch went off in there brain and there was no stopping them. Yes, I was taken aback, and a bit offended, but it made sense. I do believe the brain is effected by any of the levels of eating disorders. I suffered from anorexia in the begining, and remember by mind was always struggling, although I felt like I was in total control, I was really out of control. When the bulimia set in, I now ALWAYS feel out of control.
Hey B,
Just letting you know that I am 23 and have just come out of uni and have had a disorder for a similar amount of time as you. Interesting – I think that uni can solidify certain behaviours given the age of uni students and the cycles of stress, etc.
I too know what its like to not be able to stop eating until pain in the abdomen. In a way, you are sharing your story.
In relation to medications, I’ve been put on anti-des in the past. I have trouble recalling truth from lies and reality from fiction during this time, as I was at the peak of my anorexia. So having said that I’m not a reliable source to say whether this helped or not. I personally refuse to believe that it did a damn thing.
Medication needs consideration on an individual bases I believe, as everyone story is different. I do agree that if depression, commonly associated with eating disorders, can be controlled it can make the ‘recovery’ process a little less painful. However, this is not a cure for the eating disorder itself. As Rob has said there is little in the way of clinical evidence to suggest the effectiveness of medications for eating disorders.
Adelheid I was interested by what you have said about the neurophysiological processes between your brain and your digestive system. I cannot quote whether binging and purging leads to permenant alterations in these systems, but it certainly sounds likely that doing what we do to our bodies has an effect on our bodies innate functions. Again, whether with recovery these alterations can be reversed I don’t know?
As I am suffering with this disease, I often try to find the answer of how this all came upon me in the first place. Although completely aware that my daily choices are infact my own, I sometimes find myself searching for other answers, particularly when im feeling more out of control than normal. So with that in mind I ask if there could be a medical explaination. I’ve heard that you can be born without the neural connections from your digestive system to your brain, that signal when you are full. Its too easy to accept such an idea. I know that I feel as though I never have been able to feel full, not that im always hungry either, but it seems that if I let it the only thing that stops me from eating is the discomfort/pain associated with distention of my abdomen
Frankie I agree a msg board would be useful! And also I can relate to each persons stories on different levels, and its very comforting to know that your not alone. I am yet to share my story. Even though this is anonymous, I guess I find it hard, but I will get there. I can say though that I am 22years old and eating disorders entered my life some 4 years ago, which I thought was a long enough time, and am deepy saddened to hear some of your stories, and the length of time you have been suffering. I dont want to be this for the rest of my life, I dont want to be this tomorrow, let alone the rest of my life.
I had an intersting session with a phycologist once. My work has a program that offers councelling for their employees. Well I live in a small town and the program has designated therapists for the job. I ended up seeing a doctor that specialized in criminal phycology so he informed me right away that he has never delt with an eating disorder but was willing to hear my story and give me his analogy. I explained to him that sometimes when I have a binge and purge, I feel hungery after and feel very frusterated because the whole point of binging was to rid the food from my body, and now feel the need to eat again, knowing that when I eat, I am going to feel that guilt and want to purge again. He told me that when we binge, our brain gets the signal that it is full, then when we purge, our stomachs are empty and the stomach feels like it wants food again but the brain hasn’t gotten that signal yet, the brain is stuck on the “full” message so we have mixed signals going on inside of us and our whole system gets thrown for a loop!! No wonder I have screwed my system up, 25 years of these mixed signals have given me permenant brain issues. He told me some other intersting things that I will share another time, but getting councelling from someone who knows nothing about eating disorders was actually very informative.
C, I agree,
I do not take medication, but my uncle has, and I think it is a short-term aid of last resort, a scaffold to allow those in need to find long-term healing and skills. Diet, exercise, meditation, therapy, exposure to sunlight, proper sleep, etc. can provide long-term aid in part by helping to get sufferers’ hormones etc. back on track. Often, medication keeps the body off-balance. That being said, every body is different, and I realize that the meaning of short-term/long-term is individual. However, treating the symptoms will not allow for true healing. I’m also very interested in things like the gut-brain connection. There’s so much to things like eating disorders and depression. Part addiction, part self-conditioning, but I don’t think that those things are the source. I think I put this in my entry in “my story”, but for me, there’s something about self-immolation here too, maybe not so much different to how practitioners in various religions practice extreme fasts or self flagellation, but obviously with a different intent/focus. When I’m depressed, anxious or stressed, things definitely spiral out of control.
Please everyone, share a little of what you can of yourselves here. I’ve taken heart in reading the survey results and description of bulimia, as I’m realizing how my case / my personality is very similar to others’, but it would be so much better to be able to frankly (and anonymously) discuss experiences with individuals over a message board.
I have been on prozac for 4 years and then effexor for 4 years. They helped with my depression, but did not change my eating disorder behavior. Having said that I think its much harder to recover if you are depressed.
I also took seroquel and also rasperadol, then helped with my anxiety, but made me really sleepy and tired.
In my opinion these drugs should only be used when all other options have failed (ie. counseling, meditation, yoga, hypnotherapy)
I know many women who have really been able to improve with the help of some drugs, but I STRONGLY think it should be a last resort and they should be used for the shortest time possible
It’s not such a straightforward question to ask whether drugs have worked for my eating disorder. After 27 years of suffering from an eating disorder, it’s clear that I’ve used my ED to manage my emotions and self-medicate. Like my history of alcohol abuse, bulimia has been a maladaptive tool for coping. I still struggle daily to break free but I can say that I’ve made huge strides in how I think about myself. I’ve suffered from depression most of my life. It’s clear that had I not considered taking medication to treat my depression, I wouldn’t have had a chance at looking at what might be contributing to a bleak outlook on life. I see today that my thinking behaviours have a big influence on my eating disorder and how positive I feel about myself. Thinking traps like ‘all or nothing thinking’, mind-reading, jumping to conclusions, personalizing things, exaggerating the importance of things…all are ways in which I terrorize my mind. During my worst depressions, I wouldn’t have had the focus or willingness to try and relearn new habits (and yes, much of my way of thinking is just a bad habit). Taking medication has indeed been a huge leap forward in my recovery. Looking back on the darkest years, I never knew how weighed down I felt before taking medication. It’s like you don’t know how good you can feel until you actually feel better.
That’s not to say that I’ve not had some hellish experiences in trying to find a medication that works for me. When I was younger, my parents and a therapist forced me to take a series of heavy meds I refused to take. I suffered serious side effects and became so depressed that my wishes were ‘not being heard’ that overdosed. I’ve experienced several side effects with many medications and I’m shocked to see that it really is a trial and error approach and perhaps a bit of luck that I’ve found the right ones along the way. Desperation is what has kept me trying new meds or combinations.
I’ve not stayed on the same meds over the years either. Perhaps drugs lose their effectiveness or maybe I no longer need certain medications once I’ve worked through enough of my fears or traumas. I can think of so many overwhelming issues that no longer cripple me. Taking medication helped me get better but it was also because I was also working very hard on therapy, nutrition, sleep and trying to develop a balanced life. I can’t say there is any one magic solution to my recovery…I’ve gotten better because of a lot of factors and people.
Once again, I’m not where I’d like to be but mentally, I’m so much more at peace with myself. I was diagnosed as having ADD a year ago and have been put on medication to address this. I’m still a bit skeptical that this is in fact what drives my frantic behaviour. My gut tells me that it’s simply anxiety. I’ve battled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’m highly sensitive and constantly read into what people say or do. It makes being around others difficult. I’m not sure if the Strattera that I’m taking is really doing anything but everyone I know says I’m unbelievably better than I’ve ever been. Having made several suicide attempts three years ago, I’m not about to throw my recovery plan out the window. My long term goal or wish would be to not be medicated but for now, the good outweighs the bad if I continue on my meds.
I can say that seroquel has been necessary during my 9 month stay in an eating disorder program. I had so much anxiety because I wasn’t bingeing/purging and dealing with alot of trauma, family history. Just the knowledge that I was gaining weight was something I normally wouldn’t have tolerated. We were forced to eat a generic diet and many of the foods I’d not eaten for years. I’m not entirely supportive of all that I was forced to do but the experience was a success just in that I was able to work through many HUGE ISSUES…RE: People Pleasing, Asserting myself, Dealing with Anger, Communicating my feelings. I have little experience coping without my eating disorder so learning new communication skills is going to need a lot of practice. I’m constantly dealing with the inevitable knowledge that I won’t get better and do everything PERFECTLY. It’s so hard to try and eat and know that I won’t always get it right. If I have one slip (purge or binge) I have to try hard not to quit alltogether. I have desperate days for sure (today being a big one) but I can at least say today that I have good moments in my day.
I have tried a few different anti- depressants, and my experience is that they did not work for me, my problems lie within me and there is not pill out there that is going to make that go away. I know that I need to deal with my problems, figure out what it is that keeps this vicous cycle going. They say that the food is not the problem, I guess we just use the food to mask the problem. I find that I love food and I hate food, and my brain can’t figure this one out. I told my doctor that I took myself off of the anti-depressant he had perscribed, and he didn’t think it was a good idea, I just told him that I was not going to take it any longer because the side effects were not worth it. So instead he doubled my anti-seizure medicine because he said that it is supposed to act as a mood stabalizer as well, so I have agreed to this. So far I have not had any miracles happen, sometimes I can feel happy, but then other times I could cry all day, and the bulimia has not gone away.
You can use this part of the website to discuss prescriptions and medication you may have been provided with. Remember, just because you have been prescribed medicine, it may not be right for you. Educate yourself, and compare with others.
July 28th, 2009 - 11:47 AM
Hello Everyone
The honesty on this page is incredible…it is almost as if i am writing some of the post’s myself…I don’t have the words yet, or the bravery, that all of you have so far displayed…hopefully soon..I want to get better
July 19th, 2009 - 1:29 PM
Hey B, I forgot to answer your question about how long my periods of “being free” were. Well, the longest one actually lasted for a few years and I really thought that I was in the free and clear. Although food never strayed far from my thoughts, I had the willpower to stay in control. I’m not sure what it was that made me “fall off the wagon”, I think that I got too comfortable with the food and started to think that I could eat like everyone else and then I put on weight. This stressed me out and things started to spiral downhill again. I’ve come to the realization that I need to treat this like a life long disease and that I can never feel confident that I will ever view food the same as someone who has never experienced problems with it. I have to consciously think out every step I take when it comes to eating and I have to stay away from the trigger foods because I can never just have a little to satisfy the craving!! I want the whole thing. And even if I just buy a small quantity so I can’t eat more, all think about is how I will buy more next time because the craving never seems to get fullfilled!!
July 19th, 2009 - 7:51 AM
Hello,
Yes, I agree that writing things down is a good way to vent our feelings, it seems to make more sense in my head. I write it out and then go back and re-read it and I can almost read between the lines and understand how I am truely feeling a little bit better. To coment on medications, I believe that for me they have not been successfull. That’s not to say this is for everyone. As I have said before, I am not afraid to talk about my problems to other people, (Yes, my family is also a different story), but I find talking to my friends and doctors has become easier and I have been quite open with them about the anti-depressant I was taking. It’s intersting how you find out how many other people take them as well for all kinds of problems, and how they have helped them. I didn’t like the side effects of the one I was taking (Citalipram). I have already messed up my digestive system and this one made it worse, plus it really effected the intimacy I felt for my husband, gave me headaches and made me tired. I have to take meds already every day, I take Carbamazepine as an anti-seizure med., after I took myself off the anti-depressant, my doctor felt he had to give me something, I like my doctor but I don’t like that always want to give out meds. He doubled my anti-seizure meds claiming they also act as a mood stabalizer. Well, I’ve given it a try and all I feel is more tired then ever, I have not energy and my brain seems foggy all the time. I hate this, this almost makes things worse because on my days off, I end up not wanting to do a lot, and I also find that my home can be a very dangerous place, it seems to almost trigger my ED, and when I don’t feel like doing anything, where do I end up? In the kitchen looking for something to eat!! And we know what generally happens next. I do believe that exercise is a natural medicine for ED’s, it has been one of my best coping skills yet, and it seems to give me a little bit of that willpower back when I have gone out for that workout, but this medication has taken some of that will to excercise away, so again, I feel that the meds are working against me.
July 18th, 2009 - 5:48 PM
Yeah Frankie I guess I kinda am. I agree that uni seems to be strongly linked with the onset of symptoms. Particularly when you look at the onset age. I have noticed that thigs become more out of control during the semester, when the stress is on. However, know that the habit is ’solidified’ the holiday periods can actually be worse. A lot of time spent at home alone is not a good thing. I find it kind of a cyclic process the more the ED takes hold the more you tend to lock yourself away from the world, the more time you have for your ED.
I can totally relate to what your saying Adelheid, when I was suffering with the anorexia side of things, I found it really hard to explain to people, who just could not seem to understand at all. Particularly my family. They still talk about the time I had my ED, as the burden it placed on the family. If I had of been sick in hospital with cancer, Im sure they wouldn’t talk about it that way. I feel guilty for what I put my family through, and thats why I could never ever tell them that I am not better, that I never got better. Anyways when I too felt like there was two conflicting minds in my head, one good one evil, like everyday was a fight against myself, a battle that cant be won! After a while I couldn’t tell which was good and which one was bad. I created a fictional world in my head, and I believed it was true. Everyone was trying to hurt me and make me fat, I use to tell myself to be strong and block them out, block everything out.
No one could understand that what they called recovery was my failure, lossing everything that I worked so hard to achieve, everything that at that point I could see worthy in my life. This drive was so strong, I felt more in control than ever, and powerful. Now it scares me to look back and realise how out of control I was. The strange thing is that I was completely aware that I looked absolutely disgusting, and that I was killing myself, at at one point I had decided that if thats what it was going to take than that would be a reasonable sacrifice. I was willing to die for what was more important to me.
What Im kind of missing is the point where this all turned around, and this kills me because that is what can help other people going through it. And at what point the bulimia began. Iremember in the beginning, how hard it was, I couldn’t even really do it…now it feels natural, sometimes I don’t even have to try at all. But I remember for a while every time I did it, that was the absolute last time that I would do it, I would promise myself. Everytime I failed, I was a failure, I lothed myself, said horrible things to myself. I tried everything to make me stop. Most extreme would be self harming. I thought that if I could punish myself for what I’d done I would soon learn to stop. Over these few years it got more frequent and my will to fight the ED became weaker, to the point where I know its going to happen again and again and again. Sometimes I find the fight to stop again, but it doesn’t last long. I think that it has become easier to accept this than continue to feel like a failure, its easier not to try than to fail. And somehow this way it makes it easier to live with myself day to day. A dangerous way to think that leads to a permenancy, that ironically I dont want.
Adelheid when you said that there have been periods where you have stopped and felt like you wer permenantly better, how long did they last. I always thought that if the habit can be broken for long enough that it becomes easier and easier to leave it in the past. But I guess that group B part is always going to be ther, and we need to learn to control this and satisfy it in different ways.
My question to you all is if your family already know, or if you can tell them, and ask them to help with the physical symtoms then why not do it? Whats stopping you from sabotagging yourself. I imagine that this disorder has become a part of your life, its a part of who you are and you often define yourself by it. And in a way its hard to seperate yourself from it making it harder to let go.
The problem with ED’s is that food is both our friend and our worst enemy. We need food to survive and make us better, but food is also the thing that fuels our disease.
I believe that in order to gain back control, you need to be willing to give up some of the control. We can admit that we are completely out of control. Therefore we need help from external sources. For me its my home that incases my disorder. The only time it leaves the home is when its late at night and I run down the street where I can be sure that no one will hear me.
For people who can relate to this: what about altering your home environment, particularly food! I have some more drastic ideas like putting locks on the cupboard and fridges and putting a family member in charge of them. Avoid stocking certain foods in the house at all! I know in my family I’ve learnt to master the routine! I always know where everyone is at what time, I dont even think they know that they have a routine. This is why I think that time allows the consolidation of our behaviours (habits), that make it harder to break.
I remember a time when I was honest and had nothing in the world to hide, I never lied. Now I feel like a ‘criminal’ sneaking around and hiding my crimes. Always always fearing that someone might uncover my secret that my perfected strategies would come undone, that I would slip up and leave evidence. Im so so careful about this, because to me, my family finding out, is the worst possible thing in the world. I dont think I could handle them looking at me like that all over again, the period through which they uncovered my bulimia was one of the worst. Now at least they still look at me as their daughter.
Hypocritical isn’t it, that one paragraph I suggest that everyone reach out and get help and the next paragraph I say that that would be the worst thing in the world for me.
If you live out of home, and your close to your roommate, and feel that you could trust them then that could be quiet different. My best friend, who also sufferers with the ED is the only person who knows that Im not ‘better’, having her ther and the level of understanding she provides and vice versa has been a god send. We’ve only known each other a year, and it feels like a life time. If I was in a position to move in with her I would in an instant, because I think that we could really help each other, but atm we cant control what the other does at home.
An idea that can be effective: even though we generally see each other everyday, we started writting an email each night to each other over facebook, which was to detail our food intake and bad moments everyday, this was done just before bed. It was no benefit to either of us if we were not completely honest, and if you are honest, it can be really eye opening to actually write it done. because its like admitting what you have done today, otherwise you can ignore it. Writting everything down can be very positive, and did help me, but like most things do, I find that they always stop when things go too out of control, I cant write it down. Everytime I went (was taken) to see a new psychologist, I always bailed right when it got to the heart of the issue. I was fine with all the initial crap about my past and my family, and Im really good at talking about other peoples problems but when it comes to my own, I hit a brick wall and run.
Im going to make an apology now for how much I write, its a problem in itself lol. This msg has nothing to do with drugs, but I think the concensus stands that drugs have not been all that effective, I think the problem lies deeper into our minds than what a drug can reach.
July 16th, 2009 - 6:10 PM
Hello,
When it comes to medications, I resist this one. Over the years of my struggle, I have actually had times when I felt like I was out of the woods and I had things under control permenantly. I did not take meds during these times. I did the med thing when I was young and found they did not help, and now, in the past few years, I have tried them again and feel that they have not helped me. I too used to be very afraid to speek about my problems, I felt embarrased and ashamed, especially to my husband. In the last few years I have reached my peek. I don’t want to have this damn disease anymore!!, I feel more free to talk about my problems now, I don’t know if it’s becaue I am older, or if it’s because I am so sick of keeping it inside. I feel like as time goes by, my confidence is growing weeker, my willpower is deminishing. This scares me. It’s very frusterating, I think back to the times that I felt better, and the eating disorder was under control, but food still had a hold on me, I just had enough willpower to keep th E.D. from destroying me. The last few years have been bad again, and I feel like such a failure. I have been open to the doctors about things, but no one has really had any answers for me. The diagnosis of epilepsy seems to have made things worse for me. You’d think that being diagnosed with this would have been an eye opener for me, but I find that it is just a bad reminder of what I have done to myself. Whether you have struggled for 5 years or 25 years, the struggle is just as hard. I remember in the first few years, my life was hell, now I just cope, and hide it really well. I feel like I have hardened, and I don’t like it. When I went to see that criminal phycologist, I explained to him how my brain worked when I was having a bad day. I told him that I could be doing really well untill I ate food, then it was like a switch went off in my head, as soon as that food hit my mouth, my willpower would give in, I can try to fight it, but it is like that littl devil sitting on my soulder telling me to “do it”, the angel on my other shoulder would try hard to convince me to stop but the devil always seems to take the control. The answer I go from him socked me out of my socks!!. He compared me to a mass murderer!! Since he is a criminal phycologist, he has delt with these kind of people, and he said that he has heard similar things. He said that to a murderer, if they kill one person or they kill 5 people, it’s no different, a switch went off in there brain and there was no stopping them. Yes, I was taken aback, and a bit offended, but it made sense. I do believe the brain is effected by any of the levels of eating disorders. I suffered from anorexia in the begining, and remember by mind was always struggling, although I felt like I was in total control, I was really out of control. When the bulimia set in, I now ALWAYS feel out of control.
July 15th, 2009 - 10:45 PM
Hey B,
Just letting you know that I am 23 and have just come out of uni and have had a disorder for a similar amount of time as you. Interesting – I think that uni can solidify certain behaviours given the age of uni students and the cycles of stress, etc.
I too know what its like to not be able to stop eating until pain in the abdomen. In a way, you are sharing your story.
July 15th, 2009 - 3:52 AM
In relation to medications, I’ve been put on anti-des in the past. I have trouble recalling truth from lies and reality from fiction during this time, as I was at the peak of my anorexia. So having said that I’m not a reliable source to say whether this helped or not. I personally refuse to believe that it did a damn thing.
Medication needs consideration on an individual bases I believe, as everyone story is different. I do agree that if depression, commonly associated with eating disorders, can be controlled it can make the ‘recovery’ process a little less painful. However, this is not a cure for the eating disorder itself. As Rob has said there is little in the way of clinical evidence to suggest the effectiveness of medications for eating disorders.
Adelheid I was interested by what you have said about the neurophysiological processes between your brain and your digestive system. I cannot quote whether binging and purging leads to permenant alterations in these systems, but it certainly sounds likely that doing what we do to our bodies has an effect on our bodies innate functions. Again, whether with recovery these alterations can be reversed I don’t know?
As I am suffering with this disease, I often try to find the answer of how this all came upon me in the first place. Although completely aware that my daily choices are infact my own, I sometimes find myself searching for other answers, particularly when im feeling more out of control than normal. So with that in mind I ask if there could be a medical explaination. I’ve heard that you can be born without the neural connections from your digestive system to your brain, that signal when you are full. Its too easy to accept such an idea. I know that I feel as though I never have been able to feel full, not that im always hungry either, but it seems that if I let it the only thing that stops me from eating is the discomfort/pain associated with distention of my abdomen
Frankie I agree a msg board would be useful! And also I can relate to each persons stories on different levels, and its very comforting to know that your not alone. I am yet to share my story. Even though this is anonymous, I guess I find it hard, but I will get there. I can say though that I am 22years old and eating disorders entered my life some 4 years ago, which I thought was a long enough time, and am deepy saddened to hear some of your stories, and the length of time you have been suffering. I dont want to be this for the rest of my life, I dont want to be this tomorrow, let alone the rest of my life.
June 29th, 2009 - 7:16 PM
Hello,
I had an intersting session with a phycologist once. My work has a program that offers councelling for their employees. Well I live in a small town and the program has designated therapists for the job. I ended up seeing a doctor that specialized in criminal phycology so he informed me right away that he has never delt with an eating disorder but was willing to hear my story and give me his analogy. I explained to him that sometimes when I have a binge and purge, I feel hungery after and feel very frusterated because the whole point of binging was to rid the food from my body, and now feel the need to eat again, knowing that when I eat, I am going to feel that guilt and want to purge again. He told me that when we binge, our brain gets the signal that it is full, then when we purge, our stomachs are empty and the stomach feels like it wants food again but the brain hasn’t gotten that signal yet, the brain is stuck on the “full” message so we have mixed signals going on inside of us and our whole system gets thrown for a loop!! No wonder I have screwed my system up, 25 years of these mixed signals have given me permenant brain issues. He told me some other intersting things that I will share another time, but getting councelling from someone who knows nothing about eating disorders was actually very informative.
June 29th, 2009 - 11:17 AM
C, I agree,
I do not take medication, but my uncle has, and I think it is a short-term aid of last resort, a scaffold to allow those in need to find long-term healing and skills. Diet, exercise, meditation, therapy, exposure to sunlight, proper sleep, etc. can provide long-term aid in part by helping to get sufferers’ hormones etc. back on track. Often, medication keeps the body off-balance. That being said, every body is different, and I realize that the meaning of short-term/long-term is individual. However, treating the symptoms will not allow for true healing. I’m also very interested in things like the gut-brain connection. There’s so much to things like eating disorders and depression. Part addiction, part self-conditioning, but I don’t think that those things are the source. I think I put this in my entry in “my story”, but for me, there’s something about self-immolation here too, maybe not so much different to how practitioners in various religions practice extreme fasts or self flagellation, but obviously with a different intent/focus. When I’m depressed, anxious or stressed, things definitely spiral out of control.
Please everyone, share a little of what you can of yourselves here. I’ve taken heart in reading the survey results and description of bulimia, as I’m realizing how my case / my personality is very similar to others’, but it would be so much better to be able to frankly (and anonymously) discuss experiences with individuals over a message board.
June 28th, 2009 - 10:29 PM
I have been on prozac for 4 years and then effexor for 4 years. They helped with my depression, but did not change my eating disorder behavior. Having said that I think its much harder to recover if you are depressed.
I also took seroquel and also rasperadol, then helped with my anxiety, but made me really sleepy and tired.
In my opinion these drugs should only be used when all other options have failed (ie. counseling, meditation, yoga, hypnotherapy)
I know many women who have really been able to improve with the help of some drugs, but I STRONGLY think it should be a last resort and they should be used for the shortest time possible
June 28th, 2009 - 8:49 PM
It’s not such a straightforward question to ask whether drugs have worked for my eating disorder. After 27 years of suffering from an eating disorder, it’s clear that I’ve used my ED to manage my emotions and self-medicate. Like my history of alcohol abuse, bulimia has been a maladaptive tool for coping. I still struggle daily to break free but I can say that I’ve made huge strides in how I think about myself. I’ve suffered from depression most of my life. It’s clear that had I not considered taking medication to treat my depression, I wouldn’t have had a chance at looking at what might be contributing to a bleak outlook on life. I see today that my thinking behaviours have a big influence on my eating disorder and how positive I feel about myself. Thinking traps like ‘all or nothing thinking’, mind-reading, jumping to conclusions, personalizing things, exaggerating the importance of things…all are ways in which I terrorize my mind. During my worst depressions, I wouldn’t have had the focus or willingness to try and relearn new habits (and yes, much of my way of thinking is just a bad habit). Taking medication has indeed been a huge leap forward in my recovery. Looking back on the darkest years, I never knew how weighed down I felt before taking medication. It’s like you don’t know how good you can feel until you actually feel better.
That’s not to say that I’ve not had some hellish experiences in trying to find a medication that works for me. When I was younger, my parents and a therapist forced me to take a series of heavy meds I refused to take. I suffered serious side effects and became so depressed that my wishes were ‘not being heard’ that overdosed. I’ve experienced several side effects with many medications and I’m shocked to see that it really is a trial and error approach and perhaps a bit of luck that I’ve found the right ones along the way. Desperation is what has kept me trying new meds or combinations.
I’ve not stayed on the same meds over the years either. Perhaps drugs lose their effectiveness or maybe I no longer need certain medications once I’ve worked through enough of my fears or traumas. I can think of so many overwhelming issues that no longer cripple me. Taking medication helped me get better but it was also because I was also working very hard on therapy, nutrition, sleep and trying to develop a balanced life. I can’t say there is any one magic solution to my recovery…I’ve gotten better because of a lot of factors and people.
Once again, I’m not where I’d like to be but mentally, I’m so much more at peace with myself. I was diagnosed as having ADD a year ago and have been put on medication to address this. I’m still a bit skeptical that this is in fact what drives my frantic behaviour. My gut tells me that it’s simply anxiety. I’ve battled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’m highly sensitive and constantly read into what people say or do. It makes being around others difficult. I’m not sure if the Strattera that I’m taking is really doing anything but everyone I know says I’m unbelievably better than I’ve ever been. Having made several suicide attempts three years ago, I’m not about to throw my recovery plan out the window. My long term goal or wish would be to not be medicated but for now, the good outweighs the bad if I continue on my meds.
I can say that seroquel has been necessary during my 9 month stay in an eating disorder program. I had so much anxiety because I wasn’t bingeing/purging and dealing with alot of trauma, family history. Just the knowledge that I was gaining weight was something I normally wouldn’t have tolerated. We were forced to eat a generic diet and many of the foods I’d not eaten for years. I’m not entirely supportive of all that I was forced to do but the experience was a success just in that I was able to work through many HUGE ISSUES…RE: People Pleasing, Asserting myself, Dealing with Anger, Communicating my feelings. I have little experience coping without my eating disorder so learning new communication skills is going to need a lot of practice. I’m constantly dealing with the inevitable knowledge that I won’t get better and do everything PERFECTLY. It’s so hard to try and eat and know that I won’t always get it right. If I have one slip (purge or binge) I have to try hard not to quit alltogether. I have desperate days for sure (today being a big one) but I can at least say today that I have good moments in my day.
June 27th, 2009 - 7:35 PM
I have tried a few different anti- depressants, and my experience is that they did not work for me, my problems lie within me and there is not pill out there that is going to make that go away. I know that I need to deal with my problems, figure out what it is that keeps this vicous cycle going. They say that the food is not the problem, I guess we just use the food to mask the problem. I find that I love food and I hate food, and my brain can’t figure this one out. I told my doctor that I took myself off of the anti-depressant he had perscribed, and he didn’t think it was a good idea, I just told him that I was not going to take it any longer because the side effects were not worth it. So instead he doubled my anti-seizure medicine because he said that it is supposed to act as a mood stabalizer as well, so I have agreed to this. So far I have not had any miracles happen, sometimes I can feel happy, but then other times I could cry all day, and the bulimia has not gone away.
June 23rd, 2009 - 1:16 AM
You can use this part of the website to discuss prescriptions and medication you may have been provided with. Remember, just because you have been prescribed medicine, it may not be right for you. Educate yourself, and compare with others.